The big disconnect

I often talk to teenagers and most of the time they tell me that their parents just don't get them. They feel that there is a barrier in place and their parents just don't make any effort to break through it. For the purpose of this blog I will use Desi parents and their kids as examples. A Desi is anyone who has immigrated to the western world from India, Pakistan and other neighboring south Asian countries. Desi people started coming to America in search of a better life for themselves and their families. The land of opportunity was so alluring that they could not resist and left their homeland. In America they threw themselves into work and many of them succeeded astronomically. Soon they began reaping the rewards for their hard work by buying nice homes, purchasing luxury cars and providing their children with all that they never had. For them this was life fulfilled but in living the American dream, they forgot to communicate with their children. These kids grew up to be excellent students because anything mediocre was unacceptable. They sported impeccable manners because that was how "Desi" kids were supposed to behave but they could not communicate with their parents because they grew up in a completely different world. Although desi parents try their best to instill all the cultural aspects in their children, but what they forget is that their kids are first and foremost Americans. They ignore the fact that taking them on a trip "back home" once a year will not change who they are. Instead of bridging the gap, our desi parents relegate to speeches about us vs. them. Those Americans are not like us, they don't have a sense of religion or culture, they have boyfriends and talk back to their parents but we don't do that. We respect our parents, we are supposed to stay chaste until we get married, we don't allow this and we don't allow that. These parents fail to realize that these speeches always have the negative effect on their children. They begin resenting their parents and start questioning them that "If you hated the American culture so much then why did you come here?" It is totally unfair for parents to live in a western country and bash it's people and it's values. Every country has good and bad people and it's up to the parents to talk to their children and teach them the proper values. These values should not be about us vs. them but about incorporating good things from both cultures to raise a complete human being.

I have also observed that parents are completely clueless about what their kids' interests are. The foundation to be involved in your child's life should be laid at a very young age. You should always ask questions about their likes and dislikes and make them used to talking to you because once they hit adolescence they will go into a shell. I grew up in a home where my mom was always there. As soon as I came from school, I would tell her everything about the day and this habit is still there even today. Most parents are too busy to talk to their kids while they are growing up and suddenly become interested in their lives once they reach adolescence, but by this time the kids have made friends and have other confidants and last thing they want to do is share their feelings with their parents.

I believe that every parent should make an effort to become interested in their child's hobbies such as music, movies, books and any other interests at an early age. Conversation to your child should not be limited to "How was school" because nothing will turn them off faster than a school question. A father who educates himself about his son's favorite sport will always have a special connection with him. A mother who learns about the latest trends in fashion and popular culture will always have something to talk about with her daughter. These are foundations that will make your child feel comfortable and they will want to come to you with more serious issues such as drugs, peer pressure, sex instead of going to a friend. I am all for parents who are friendly with their kids but also establish certain boundaries. Trying to become your child's best friend can backfire just as ruling with an iron fist will turn them into rebels.

So desi parents work hard but do not neglect your child because believe it or not your child wants to talk to you but you have to make the first move.

R

Healthcare Reform

On March 22nd, 2010 a historic event occurred on the house floor. The United States Congress passed a government run healthcare reform bill with a 219-212 vote. This bill was overwhelmingly supported by democrats while Republicans strongly opposed it. President Barack Obama succeeded in achieving a feat that many of his predecessors tried and miserably failed. On Monday this news was all over the media with many people from all walks of life weighing in on it. There were some strong opinions by supporters as well as people who absolutely hate it.

I as many of my fellow Americans have an opinion about this. Now I don't claim that I fully understand this bill because it is close to a thousand pages and I highly doubt that even the lawmakers who voted actually read and understood what all it contains; however, there are some points that jump out at me and I would like to comment on them.

Basically the government will take over all the healthcare provided to the American people in it's own hands. The government wants to insure approximately 36 million Americans who are uninsured to make sure that quality healthcare is available to them. The Operating word here is "quality". Most of the people who are already on Medicaid today do not receive quality care as is because Medicaid pays the doctors pennies on the dollar. With passing of this bill, Medicaid will add millions of more people who will want to see a physician who is already overworked and underpaid. When denied an appointment, these same patients will crowd the emergency rooms of hospitals further delaying "quality care" because hospitals don't have enough physicians nor nurses to meet the demand.

I support the bill as it extends healthcare to people who did not have a chance to go see a doctor before due to no insurance but I have a problem with the basic economics of it. It all comes down to supply vs. demand. The government has created a demand but they did not look at the short supply of medical personnel. The number of medical students willing to go into family care has decreased significantly in the last 10 years. There are many countries in the world who have implemented socialized medicine and from here the picture looks all rosy, but when you take a closer look you will realize that a patient wanting to see a Cardiologist in Canada or England may wait up to six months to get an appointment where in The U.S. you can choose a Cardiologist of your choice and get in the same week! This can mean a difference between life and death. Early prevention can eliminate higher medical costs in the future. Instead of giving access to people who are non-compliant why not promote a culture of healthy eating and healthy living?

I recently saw a show on ABC where a British chef goes to a small American city to change their eating habits. He is received with a lot of skepticism and hesitation because he wants to break the culture of processed foods and introduce fresh produce. He goes to a school and is horrified to see so much processed frozen crap that we are feeding our kids. Our goal should be to bring change from ground zero which is our school system. I think every parent should see that show to realize what kind of junk their kids are being fed. The basic root of the problem are our eating habits and our sedentary lifestyle and until we change that we will keep driving up the healthcare costs.

This new healthcare bill is very ambitious but it has several loop holes and can strain our fragile economy even further where hardworking honest taxpayers will give a huge chunk of their money to the government so that the government can support people who have chosen to be non-compliant. I like Barack Obama and respect many of his views but I do not like the fact that he took such a hasty decision on this very important piece of legislation.

R

Life Lessons

Ever wonder what it means when you hear the phrase "live life to the fullest' or "don't worry about anything because you have one life to live"? What does it really mean to live a full life? Does it mean party all you want, travel, shop and have fun or is there something deeper in it? I have always struggled with this because as I was growing up, I avoided parties and hanging out with the popular crowds because I was afraid to get influenced by the wrong people. I was afraid that they would get me hooked on the wrong things and thus kept my distance, but now as I sit here and write this piece, I wonder if I lost out on something very integral, what people call the zest of life. I don't have any regrets but a part of me always wonders what kind of a person I would be today had I been more social or experimental. Does this mean that I really missed out on enjoying life to the fullest?. For me a full life also consists of how much of a difference you have made in other people's lives. I was raised with a sense of responsibility and a sensibility towards others. I believe in service and generosity and my favorite and best teacher has been my mother. My mother is a wonderful cook and many family members showed up at our home to have her food or if she made something special, she would pack it up and send it over to whoever asked for it. She always tells me this is her way of showing love and while others can afford to shower expensive gifts, she loves sharing her food and is appreciated just as much if not more. So this life lesson is extremely important because it is not about how much money you spend on someone but showing how much you care by little gestures such as cooking like my mom.

Another life lesson is about friendship. I am very fortunate to have a few but very good friends. We may not talk on the phone everyday or see each other in months but in our hearts we know that we are there for each other. It is certainly a challenge to be close to your friends all the time due to our hectic schedules and geographical distances but true friends will always be in your heart no matter where they live and even if you meet them after years, it would always seem like you just talked yesterday. There is another side to friendship which can hurt and make you miserable. These are people who come into your life for a short period of time but leave a bad taste in your mouth. I've had my share of so-called friends who brought a lot of negativity and toxic energy in my life. When I was younger, I found it hard to tell them about the damage they are causing, but now I feel it is important to distance yourself from such people. We should always make friends who bring out the best in us, not the ones who suck the life out of us and leave us exhausted. So I have let those people go because they do not contribute anything significant to my life.

Lastly, the most important life lesson comes from our spiritual side. We all believe in a higher power and know that there is something greater out there that controls everything and everyone. Once I was having a discussion with a very dear friend about taking care of your body and skin and all the outer things and she suddenly asked, "So what are you doing for your soul?" That question shocked and puzzled me and I couldn't help but remember that in Islam and most of the religions around the world, it is taught that your body is finite, only your soul is infinite. Life as we know it is temporary because one day we all have to die and leave this body behind, only what's inside gets to go and be with that superior being. So what do you do to cleanse your soul? I don't think it is necessary to pray 24/7 and preach about your religion to people every opportunity you get. For me living my life with honesty and integrity is also an act of faith along with religious rituals and prayers. I know plenty of people who pray all the time but are nasty human beings who hurt people. There are so many ways we can be spiritual. Just doing what my mom does by serving her food to people is an act of faith. Giving charity is an act of faith. Watching your neighbor's kid while they are out is an act of faith. I could go on and on but you get the idea. So the lesson here is that while it is great to take care of your body and live a healthy life but it is more important to have a healthy soul.

Life lessons are important and the purpose should be to learn from them. If you have made a decision in the past that has left a negative impact on you then you should do everything possible to avoid repeating that mistake and if the results are positive then you should try and replicate them. I believe in making life easier for people by providing my services and advice whenever I can and I also try and learn from my elders because their experiences enrich my life. So my friends learn from life because there is no better teacher and live your life to the fullest because after all, we only get one life to live.

R

Change

Change is tough but it's inevitable. There is always fear of the unknown but you can't rule out the curiosity to learn something new. Personally I have gone through many changes in life as most people reading this blog. My first big change came when I left Pakistan at the age of 11 and came to America. At the time I had no clue where America was and what it had in store for me but coming here was my destiny, so I came. The next big change came about when I was through with college and had an opportunity to live and work away from my parents. This was a big shocker because in our culture, unmarried children no matter how old always lived with their parents. With a lot of begging and pleading I finally got permission to live on my own. This I would consider as one of the most enlightening phases of my life. I was asked questions like, "Why do you not live with your parents?", "Do you not get along with your parents?" Some people even branded me as being a loose character because no good girl leaves her parents' home and lives on her own. There were whispers among family members also with aunts and uncles calling my mom and asking about my intentions. They also didn't fail to mention that no eligible boy from a good family would consider me for marriage; boy were they wrong!

Next change came when I was scoping out prospective suitors for marriage. Most guys I talked to were surprised when they learned that I didn't live with my parents, but there was one man who admired my courage to be independent and make a life for myself so I married him.

Married life was a huge change. My husband and I had known each other for only a few months before we got married and it was a very big adjustment. The first year was tough as we were both getting to know each other and learning to love each other in the process but after that it has been smooth sailing. I am proud to say that he is my best friend. He is the most kind and compassionate person on the face of this earth and although I don't say it to him enough, I love him dearly.

So change is scary but it's necessary because it means progress. I thank my father for the first big change for bringing us here. I know that my sisters would agree with me because we were living a very poor life in Pakistan not knowing if we would be able to go to college or get married in a decent family. I thank my parents again in believing in me and giving me the freedom to pursue my dreams of higher studies and a great career. I also want to thank my husband for loving me and changing me as a person. I am more grounded because of him. I value people and and their deeds rather than jewelry and clothes.

There are many changes in store for me in the future and I know that I will embrace each change because change is progress.

R

GO RED!!

We all know that heart disease is the #1 killer of women in America, but do we know that treatment of women with heart disease rests in the hands of political bureaucrats and big insurance companies? Working for a Cardiologist has given me an inside look into the future of American health care. Recently Medicare has cut reimbursements for critical cardiac tests for up to 40%. This may not mean much to a patient until he or she realizes that insurance lobbyists have convinced our government to set high deductibles and premiums for average Americans who believe they have decent health insurance. For example, you are paying $300 a month in premiums for medical insurance thinking that you will get the best possible service when you need it but what you don't know is that most of the insurance companies impose deductibles on some very necessary tests. A deductible is the amount of money that you have to pay from your own pocket before your insurance even kicks in. If you are lucky it could be as low as $1,500 per family but it could go up to $10,000 a year. Which means that unless you get into a car accident or have a heart attack you will never meet your insurance deductible for that year.

Medicare has justified cuts in cardiology tests as too many tests being done and it is bankrupting the government. I agree that there are doctors out there who run a battery of tests unnecessarily but what about honest doctors who are in the profession to help people and only order certain tests to rule out major complications? They are being punished by the government for taking care of or even keeping their patients alive.

We had a patient come into our office the other day needing a stress test. Upon verifying her insurance we found out that she has a $1,000 deductible and considering the way insurance works we were not going to paid a single penny unless the patient paid something upfront. When I said that to the patient she almost had tears in her eyes because she thought that she had good insurance and all she had to pay that day was her copay. Although she needed the test, she left our office without being seen. Now I work for a great Doctor who would've seen her without worrying about the money a couple of years ago but considering his expenses, he couldn't afford to see this patient.

Bottom line is that Americans are getting sicker and need medical care now more than ever but the insurance companies and the government are tying the hands of capable physicians by not paying them for their hard work and also penalizing the patients by imposing high premiums and deductibles. This is all because of lobbying or should I say bribery by big insurance companies in congress. This may not effect an average healthy person right now but it will when you and I need a doctor and the good ones will all be gone.

R

Prayers for Haiti

It's amazing how much mental stimulation you get when you engage in conversations with people from all walks of life. Lunch time at my office is one such forum. We talk about anything and everything under the sun. No topic is off limits. These days our main topic of conversation is the earthquake in Haiti. It is definitely heart wrenching to see all the devastation and loss of precious life. Sometimes it makes me think about all the mysterious ways in which God works. I can't help but wonder why most of the worst disasters hit the poorest and densely populated nations? To that, one of my coworkers said that maybe because the more fortunate choose the best locations to live in where they feel safe so the underprivileged have no choice but to live on the land that's left over. I don't know about anyone else but her thought did resonate with me and I kept thinking about some other natural disasters such as the Tsunami, earthquake in China and India. It takes years for people in those nations to rebuild their lives because they lack the infrastructure and basic resources. In Haiti for example, a corrupt government has left the country with buildings that were unstable so their fall in the face of such a disaster was inevitable. I remember taking a tour of San Fransisco in one of those city tour buses a couple of years ago and the tour guide pointed out that most of their government buildings in the financial district were built on foundations that acted like ball bearings so if for instance an earthquake hit, the buildings would move from side to side and come back to their original positions and not collapse. Now that was amazing to me. Taking a proactive measure instead of reacting after a major catastrophe. My heart goes out to all those people who have lost their loved ones and homes and I thank God everyday for the blessings he has showered on us.

I'll share more topics of discussions in the near future.

R

Where have the children gone?

Last Thursday the world watched a giant balloon floating over the state of Colorado thinking it took off with a 6 year old boy inside. Local authorities were contacted, air traffic in and out of the Denver airport was grounded and many people were glued to the TV following the path of the balloon and praying that the boy inside is safe. The telecast lasted for over two hours and the story was plastered all over the internet. When the balloon finally landed in a field and people came to know that there was no one inside, more panic ensued. Speculations were flying everywhere; Did the boy fall off? Was he trapped inside? Was there a chance for him to come out of this ordeal alive? A widespread search for the boy commenced only to discover that he had been hiding in his attic all this time and fell asleep. The world took a collective sigh of relief and offered their gratitude that the boy was unharmed, but the next day the mood changed as their were speculations that the family planned this whole thing and duped the entire world. After all, they wasted many resources that could have been used elsewhere. Latest I've heard is that police is investigating this whole thing as a hoax. They found out that the family is very TV savvy and have already appeared on a reality show. Also upon examining the balloon, scientists have concluded that there is no way the balloon could've taken off with the little boy inside as it was not sturdy enough.

This story captivated me also as it was unfolding but in light of all this new information, I cannot help but wonder what has happened to us? Why are we in such a need to get noticed? Why are parents putting their kids through such stunts to make a quick buck or get famous? This exploitation cannot be healthy in any way. I remember being a kid and life was very simple back then, but for kids growing up today there is so much pressure, so many expectations. The family that pulled this stunt for 15 minutes of fame probably won't think it was worth it when they are slapped with a number of criminal charges. They won't think it's funny when the CPS will come in their home and take their children away. The consequences for such actions are never good. Look at John and Kate! What a mess they have made of their lives. If they weren't doing the reality show and went through the same ordeal in private, maybe their kids wouldn't have gone through what they are going through right now. I bet it's not fun to hear about or watch your parents flaunting their dirty laundry in public. These kids will probably have to hear about this and suffer consequences for a long time because of their public exposure.

Another thing that annoys me is parents entering their children in beauty pageants. All the fake teeth, makeup and focus on vanity can go through a kid's head. I don't know why parents don't learn from child artists who, after losing their fame, can hardly function in society. They usually fall victim to drugs, sex and alcohol. Children are meant to live their childhood not to act like adults before their time. They should be taught how to play with their dolls, action figures, ball and bikes, not how to act in front of the camera so that mommy and daddy can live their dreams at their expense.
R