The big disconnect

I often talk to teenagers and most of the time they tell me that their parents just don't get them. They feel that there is a barrier in place and their parents just don't make any effort to break through it. For the purpose of this blog I will use Desi parents and their kids as examples. A Desi is anyone who has immigrated to the western world from India, Pakistan and other neighboring south Asian countries. Desi people started coming to America in search of a better life for themselves and their families. The land of opportunity was so alluring that they could not resist and left their homeland. In America they threw themselves into work and many of them succeeded astronomically. Soon they began reaping the rewards for their hard work by buying nice homes, purchasing luxury cars and providing their children with all that they never had. For them this was life fulfilled but in living the American dream, they forgot to communicate with their children. These kids grew up to be excellent students because anything mediocre was unacceptable. They sported impeccable manners because that was how "Desi" kids were supposed to behave but they could not communicate with their parents because they grew up in a completely different world. Although desi parents try their best to instill all the cultural aspects in their children, but what they forget is that their kids are first and foremost Americans. They ignore the fact that taking them on a trip "back home" once a year will not change who they are. Instead of bridging the gap, our desi parents relegate to speeches about us vs. them. Those Americans are not like us, they don't have a sense of religion or culture, they have boyfriends and talk back to their parents but we don't do that. We respect our parents, we are supposed to stay chaste until we get married, we don't allow this and we don't allow that. These parents fail to realize that these speeches always have the negative effect on their children. They begin resenting their parents and start questioning them that "If you hated the American culture so much then why did you come here?" It is totally unfair for parents to live in a western country and bash it's people and it's values. Every country has good and bad people and it's up to the parents to talk to their children and teach them the proper values. These values should not be about us vs. them but about incorporating good things from both cultures to raise a complete human being.

I have also observed that parents are completely clueless about what their kids' interests are. The foundation to be involved in your child's life should be laid at a very young age. You should always ask questions about their likes and dislikes and make them used to talking to you because once they hit adolescence they will go into a shell. I grew up in a home where my mom was always there. As soon as I came from school, I would tell her everything about the day and this habit is still there even today. Most parents are too busy to talk to their kids while they are growing up and suddenly become interested in their lives once they reach adolescence, but by this time the kids have made friends and have other confidants and last thing they want to do is share their feelings with their parents.

I believe that every parent should make an effort to become interested in their child's hobbies such as music, movies, books and any other interests at an early age. Conversation to your child should not be limited to "How was school" because nothing will turn them off faster than a school question. A father who educates himself about his son's favorite sport will always have a special connection with him. A mother who learns about the latest trends in fashion and popular culture will always have something to talk about with her daughter. These are foundations that will make your child feel comfortable and they will want to come to you with more serious issues such as drugs, peer pressure, sex instead of going to a friend. I am all for parents who are friendly with their kids but also establish certain boundaries. Trying to become your child's best friend can backfire just as ruling with an iron fist will turn them into rebels.

So desi parents work hard but do not neglect your child because believe it or not your child wants to talk to you but you have to make the first move.

R